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| HUmor in the trash... |
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| Guest |
 Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 3:16 am Post subject: HUmor in the trash... |
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Two blondes walk into a building .......... you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message "... If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
I went to the butchers and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat
off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to a seafood disco last week ...... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. I think it's my Brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
Two fat blokes in a pub/bar, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.
Last edited by Guest on Sat Mar 10, 2007 10:34 am; edited 1 time in total |
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| Nevyn |
| Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 3:23 am Post subject: |
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Forum Ph.D.
Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 827
Location: UK
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lol
two blondes work into a bar, you'd have thought one of them would have notcied
why did dracula take soothers? to cure his coffin
a blonde and a brunette jump of a building, which one hits the ground first? the brunette - the blonde had to stop and ask diretions
A blonde women is trying to do a jigsaw when her husband comes down and asks what she's doing, she replies " it's supposed to be a tiger" her husband gives her an exasperated look and says "put the cornflakes back in the box dear"
Two blondes were going to disney land when they come to a fork in the road, the sign says "disney land left" so they turned around and went home
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| Guest |
| Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 3:44 am Post subject: |
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." |
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| Nevyn |
| Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 3:55 am Post subject: |
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Forum Ph.D.
Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 827
Location: UK
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this one isn't so nice...
A pregnant women with triplets was in a bank robbery when a shotgun goes off hitting her in the stomach. after surgery in the hospital a doctor tells her that they couldn't get 3 of the pellets out because they had gone into the embryos, he goes on too explain that they'd pass the bullets around the 15th birthday. The women then gives birth to 2 girls and a boy
15 years later one of the girls goes to the mother and goes "mum mum, i just wee'd a bullet" and the mother goes "yes, i know" and explains the story, Then the second girl goes up the mother and says "mum mum, i just wee'd a bullet" and once again the mother explains the story. The boy then comes up to the mother and says "mum mum, you'll never guess what" and she goes "you wee'd a bullet?" but the boy says, " no, it's much worse than that, i was doing things in my room and i shot the cat"
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| Guest |
| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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| So a woman takes a young baby to the Doctors, "He's malnourished - how is he fed?" - "He's breast fed only doctor" - "Ok I need to examine your breasts.." - The woman removes her top and the doctor proceeds to prod and poke and eventually says "I'm afraid your breasts are dry, you have no milk at all!" - "I Know" says the woman "I'm his granny but please, carry on..." |
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| wallaby |
| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 2:06 am Post subject: |
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Forum Professor
Joined: 03 Jul 2005
Posts: 1375
Location: Australia
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i recieved this SMS recently:
Thank you for your recent order in our sex shop. You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display.
Please reselect as that's the fire extinguisher. |
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| Burger |
| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 2:28 am Post subject: |
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Forum Freshman
Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 89
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A guy walks into the bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says to the barman, "A double brandy for me please, and one for the road!".
A jumper cable walks into the bar and the barman says to him : "You can come in, but don't start anything!".
A sandwhich walks into the bar and the barman says to him, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".
The dyslexic guy walks into the bra... |
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| Guest |
| Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 1:36 am Post subject: |
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Kids are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher |
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| wallaby |
| Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 1:51 am Post subject: |
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Forum Professor
Joined: 03 Jul 2005
Posts: 1375
Location: Australia
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| hahaha i must remember to try something like that with my teachers sometime. |
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| Nevyn |
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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Forum Ph.D.
Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 827
Location: UK
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottman walk into a pub and the barman says "Is this ment to be some kind of joke?"
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Come see some of my art work at http://nevyn-pendragon.deviantart.com/ |
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| william |
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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Forum Ph.D.
Joined: 23 Jun 2006
Posts: 914
Location: USA
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I told my Vietnamese girlfriend about the recent tiff between Ophiolite and Megabrain. She asked "Is dat really der names?"
(Excuse the phonetic attempt at her accent....) 
_________________
"... the polhode rolls without slipping on the herpolhode lying in the invariable plane."
~Footnote in Goldstein's Mechanics, 3rd ed. p. 202
About my avatar: This is a smoothed particle hydrodynamics (SPH) simulation of the merger of two galaxies. The code was written by Volker Springel of the Max Planck Institute for Astrophysics at Garching Germany. This simulation uses 20,000 disk particles (stars) and 40,000 halo particles (dark matter) per galaxy. The three views are, from left to right, the x-y plane, x-z plane, and y-z plane. |
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| Guest |
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:52 pm Post subject: |
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| We're good mates really, just like Tom and Jerry, just like Americans and Vietnamese.... |
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| Chemboy |
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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Forum Ph.D.
Joined: 01 Jul 2006
Posts: 1095
Location: NY
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Gold walks into a bar. Silver says, "'A' u!" get out of here!
something like that... haha...i'm terrible at telling jokes, even online.
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"There is a kind of lazy pleasure in useless and out-of-the-way erudition." -Jorge Luis Borges |
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| johnny |
| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 4:41 am Post subject: |
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Forum Sophomore
Joined: 06 Feb 2007
Posts: 120
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How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her shes putting in the CD backwards 
i confused alot of non blondes with that one |
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| DaBOB |
| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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Forum Professor
Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 1217
Location: Arsia Mons, Mars
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| johnny wrote: |
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her shes putting in the CD backwards
i confused alot of non blondes with that one |
I'm so gonna do that.
Learn Chinese in Five (5) minutes.
(You MUST read them aloud.)
English
Chinese
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Fuk
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great
Fa Kin Su Pa
_________________
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." -- John 8:32
"The best mind-altering drug is truth. -Lily Tomlin
I claim to be a passionate seeker after the truth, which is but another name for God." -Gandhi
"...only try to realize the truth. There is no spoon." -Spoon boy |
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